FFXXX Because we cant think of anything better
by kindra-chan
Summary: A series a satirical sexual endevours involving mostly Tidus the ho, but everyone on the whole-except Kimahri of course. Yuri, Yaoi, slashy, distastefully gratuitous explicit content so read at your own risk of health.
1. Chapter ONE!

FFXXX – Chapter 1 Älea-chen  
  
Warnings: If you have any problems with lesbian sex, you suck. If you enjoy the delusions of tasteful satire, feel free to continue. Otherwise as warnings go, I don't own any character or name affiliated in any way with the Final Fantasy copyright issued by squaresoft or whatnot, and the relation of my characters and those created by the lovely people down in Tokyo I assure is entirely coincidental and not premeditated or intentional in any way. looks around Okay, now that we have that cleared up... I KNOW that you hate me. I am fully aware. And in fact, ich weiss es zu schaetzen dass du mich hasst. Ps. Sex scene is crude and not supposed to be sexy so leave us the fuck alone. Oh yes, Wut means rage. I use German because I can. Scheissekopf.  
  
Somewhere along the Thunderplains in a galaxy far, far away...  
  
...Oh wait, that would be Spira, sorry there... Lightning expelled from the misty overhang of electric rain. Rikku dove into her hands, curled under herself in fear. A little annoyed, the others stopped walking and turned to wait. Wakka grunted.  
"We have no time for this!" He bounced his blitzball angrily and impatiently. Auron looked away, feeling as if any more coaxing or comforting would be completely useless on Rikku's part. If Tidus had had a watch, he would have been glancing at it anxiously.  
"What now?" he moaned, cocking his head to the side, glancing dangerously over at Rikku's health bar, which had fallen to 300 and was still dropping steadily. Her lip twitched, she cowered slightly, and very weakly murmured a small maniacal laugh of insanity.  
"Heh...heh...heh..." Tidus mimicked her. "Ha ha ha.... You're giving me the creeps!" Another rod of lighting showered down from above, Rikku screamed and wincing, she doubled over. Auron turned around, patting Yuna sympathetically on the shoulder. "It's ok, Yuna. In Switzerland, they put msg in their food too." Wakka glowered, "Fucking Swiss..." Tidus shook his head. "Racist bastard." Rikku lingered there momentarily, soundless and still, and suddenly collapsed into a stance that uncannily resembled that of a lizard. Limbs poised, she lifted her arms and fingers, and scuttled towards Tidus where she flew her arms around his legs and shivered in a cold ball of Al Bhed.  
"I wanna go home!" she whimpered, peering up at Tidus from beneath her shaking bangs. "There's an Inn over there, can't we stop and rest?" Auron sighed.  
"This storm never stops. Best we get through it as quickly as possible." Rikku twitched at the thought of continuing along the thunder- ridden pathway.  
"I know... but... only for a little while?" Ignoring her, Auron pivoted on his dark leather boot and continued into the rain. The others followed like a reflex, turning and letting him lead them away from the trembling girl. Tidus stood, watching her yell out profanities in Al Bhed to the guardians that were once her friends. "Do you all hate me that much?" Critical or no, they got the hint and returned to the front of the Inn where she dashed inside to the shelter of the small building. Tidus strode to the front desk. He would have liked to continue down the Thunderplains, shamelessly using Chappu's sword as a victim for emitting his endless reign of testosterone onto the hideous offspring of his own father, but resting was always a much-appreciated factor amongst the friends of summoner Yuna. The Innkeeper looked up from rummaging papers, over the small rim of his glasses at the seven soaked people who had just intruded upon his peaceful sanctuary. Tidus cleared his throat as recognition of respect, (since normal people worth talking to don't usually appreciate hearing anyone stumble over the phlegm lodged in their nasal passage.) "We'd like to stay for the night." His voice squeaked violently in a prepubescent eruption of the word night. (So much for respect.) The innkeeper carefully placed his clipboard on the desk, adjusted his glasses and looked around at each one of them. His eyes scanned their bodies in deep contemplation, harvesting their flesh like rotting fruit carnage. He looked at last back to Tidus, raising a brow. "What is this, a cult?" Wakka was startlingly offended, and he slammed his fist onto the table and screamed, "WE'RE GUARDIANS OF SUMMONER YUNA, YA!" The small man peered at Wakka. "Yes, how nice for you." He turned back to Tidus. "Do you have 100,000 Gil?" Tidus checked. "Yep." The innkeeper nodded. "Good. You only need 10, I was just noting to myself whether it would be worth it to rob you in your sleep." He smiled genuinely. Tidus's eyes widened, Wakka gritted his teeth, and Rikku sat shivering in the lobby chair, staring hopelessly in the direction she knew lay thousands of electric molecules waiting with baited breath to strike and split the sound barrier in the sky above. Yuna bounced over and took Rikku by the arm. For some reason, this drove a near physically noticeable nail through Tidus's brain, and he twitched with the rage of jealousy. Auron stepped up.  
  
"Tidus, buy two rooms; one for the three girls and one for the three boys. Kimahri can loiter all night." Tidus spun, pointing towards the happy female who was stealing the attention of the one human he dominated. "Piss off Auron, can't you see I'm full of Wut?" He continued to glare at Rikku. "Wuuuuutt..." Yuna smiled and took hold of the frightened girl's hand. "Come on, Rikku, let's go get some rest." She smiled once more, forcing Rikku's lips to surrender into a smile of her own. "Thank you, Yunnie!" And the summoner led the Al Bhed to the narrow, obnoxiously colored vibrant hallway that held enough décor to make three more Final Fantasy sequels and still have sparkly glowing things left over. Tidus glared and continued to chant in German as Rikku and Yuna happily sauntered off together where they would be alone, to sleep together and bathe together, and share tampons together, and slap themselves and spank each other and – wow. That's disgusting. Wakka slapped Tidus on the back. "Come on, man, we got our own room to have fun in, ya?" And Auron, Tidus and Wakka trotted off to their own room where they would do presumably more than sleep that night.  
  
Lulu opened the door quietly, so not to disturb anyone within. Rikku was curled up timidly on one of the queen-sized beds, Yuna off in her own room probably masturbating or indulging in activities she didn't want to share with the other girls. Lulu closed the door and crossed her arms. The ceiling cracked suddenly, a hail of shock and spark enveloped the room as lightning split the silence. Rikku screamed and sat, unharmed but petrified in a ball of fear. Lulu shook her head. "Thundaga," she said solemnly. Rikku lifted her head. "Huh?" Lulu turned to the closet, removing the clips and belts that kept her dress on... for the most part. "You see? You're overreacting. You should try to get some sleep and not be so edgy." Rikku glared playfully. "Hey, you scared me you big meanie." Lulu climbed into the bed. A real bolt of lightning dimly echoed immediate thunder from outside. The lights flickered and fell to darkness. Rikku yelped, clinging to Lulu's arm. Lulu turned, her eyes resting upon the timid girl, outlined only by moonlight. Her eyes shimmered, widening and Rikku emitted a small noise. For some reason, it was cute. She wanted to hold her and tell her it would be alright. Rikku's grip on Lulu's arm loosed, and she turned to look. Rikku's sparkly, spiraled green eyes had reduced to round slits of lash resting peacefully. Her expression had become so calm and relaxed, and her arms dangled limply to her chest, which lifted slowly and sank again as her tiny plump lips inhaled the cold air of the stormy night. Lulu embraced her; she had fallen asleep from the exhaustion of fear and slowly, she drew Rikku's sweet lips to her own. They touched gently, a smooth, soft, warm caress of lips and at that moment, Lulu gave the sleeping girl her energy. Rikku's eyes opened admiringly, moist from being half open and warm from the heat of the two bodies. She said nothing, closed her eyes once more and smiled. "Lulu..." she whispered. Lulu ran her hand along the sweetly outlined rim of Rikku's face, cheekbone protruding delicately and falling carefully into an elegantly pointed chin. Her fingertips flowed to Rikku's neck, smoothly twisted to her upright torso. Her fingers, fumbling, found the bright orange zipper that firmly held her ample, round breasts, pulled it steadily and let her chest spill into the moonlight. She caressed Rikku's soft flesh, teasing her pink nipples and ran her hand between her breasts and down her chest, moving across her small and softly toned stomach. She slipped her fingers beneath the frilly green shorts and the yellow belt, pulled tightly around her ass. Rikku twitched, letting Lulu's hand slide inside of her moist grotto, already wet with gooey anticipation. She breathed to the rhythm that Lulu created for her and they panted together, heavily. Rikku collapsed in a sharp inhale and shuddered in the overwhelming wave of pleasure that ensued her tiny body. Lulu blinked, stopping her movement. "Well that was fast." Rikku closed her eyes and reached up, putting her arms around Lulu's neck. She gloated in the sweet nectar of Lulu's energy, drinking deeply from it and replenished herself in its glory. Lulu smiled, and held Rikku, their sighs and moans disappearing. And she gave Rikku her energy all night long.  
  
End chap 1 


	2. Chapter TWO!

FFXXX – Chapter 2 Kindra-chan  
  
Warnings: um... graphically (and extremely gratuitous) explicit content involving Auron x Tidus. To be taken lightly, please people. If you get offended don't bitch at me, just stop reading and go whack a piñata or something.  
  
It was past dawn, but the Thunderplains never promised sunlight. Rikku's desperate pleading had brought them to the Inn, and they'd rested overnight, regenerated to the fullest.  
  
Tidus stepped out into the lobby stretching, his back cracking in several places from the distasteful rest of the night before, one that was spent trying to fall asleep on the overly firm, cold beds the obnoxious Innkeeper lead them to. He was groggy, his lips sticking together with the remnants of sleep and his eyes refusing to fully open. They widened however, when the blitzball jock spotted Yuna perched delicately in one of the lobby chairs. Her face was distant and she was looking beyond what could be seen with the normal eye. Yuna always seemed to be in such a state, and didn't notice Tidus until he approached her, smiling and waving with a typical, "Good morning."  
  
Yuna jumped slightly, and whipped her head towards him, awaking from her dreamy state. She returned the smile, as always, and Tidus forced himself to continue looking happy, despite his deep desire for Yuna to bound up and throw herself onto him in. Perhaps even suck him off. Now that would be a good morning. Tidus's testosterone-packed fantasies were suddenly blown by the ever- present chime emitted from Rikku, also apparently woken. For some reason she seemed awfully cheery, even for her, especially considering the Thunderplains usually made her piss herself. She bounded in through the halls skipping and even singing slightly, calling out to Yuna and clinging around her arm in an obnoxiously perky manner. Tidus reminded himself to be nice; he hated Rikku, found her annoying and worthless as a guardian, but usually gritted his teeth and laughed with her just the same. At this point, however, he was not in the mood to be pleasant. He new he'd have done anything at that point to be in Rikku's position. He would have torn her off the delicate arm and taken Yuna right there if his impulse control weren't so goddamn overpowering. The worst part of the matter was that Tidus knew she'd enjoy it. The looks she gave when him when they brushed past each other on the battlefield drove him wild and he was convinced she knew he thought about her every night to his own pleasure. She tormented him every moment of the day and Tidus wanted to hurt himself thinking they'd get to Zanarkand before he'd get to fuck her.  
  
In a fit of jealousy, he shook his head and stomped past the duo of girls without a word and approached the room he, Wakka, and Auron had shared the previous night. Tidus reached out for the doorknob and pulling it open, he let out a small, but startled yelp. Auron was poised, supporting the doorframe with his mass only two inches away from Tidus's nose. On top of it all, his red cloak appeared to have been discarded and he was quite topless.  
  
"Come back for more sleep?" Auron asked, gruff and yet strangely pleasant. Teasing, almost. Tidus mocked him.  
  
"What, waiting for me?" Auron laughed in a patronizing tone, though mostly unintentionally. "And if I was?" "Shut up, Auron. I'm not in the mood for this." Tidus pushed passed him, walking into the room and collapsing onto the wooden sheeted cot he'd spent last night upon. His childish response had stopped Auron from nothing.  
  
"Jecht was never in the right mood either." Auron had followed Tidus to his bed, looming over him with a smile and an overcoming sense of dominance. Tidus looked up from the thick yellow folds of his blitz uniform. Auron was really rather topless. Oddly enthralled, allowing the revelation to sink in, Tidus's eyes roved the soft curves of muscle that flowed into one another beneath a dark icing of rich skin. Both his shoulders and arms were broad and strong with the never-ending trials life had delivered him. Scars bled across his chest, an expanse of smooth tanned flesh that Tidus's vision remained captivated upon.  
  
He swallowed, the lump in his throat hardening, and he felt the quick need to cross his legs as a similar action graced him elsewhere. Tidus rolled over away from Auron, desperately trying to disgrace the unreachable charm his very presence had endlessly haunted him throughout his late life. Auron was ungodly attractive, yes, but Tidus knew in fact that he'd fucked Jecht and even the simple thought sent his blood boiling with rage. His absolute hate towards his father went much deeper than he'd realized, but there was no possible way in Tidus's little world he would ever admit to being jealous.  
  
"You and Jecht are a lot a like," Auron soothed. Tidus gasped slightly as the rough and yet silky words sent every last drop of hot blood in his body cascading to his groin. "So it would seem," Tidus muttered from under his arm. He was growing increasingly tenser in every sense. If it was Auron's intent to fuck him, he knew his ass would only be replacing Jecht's. However, at that point in his throbbing anxiety, he was loosing all care to what sex with Auron would mean. He held his breath, trying to hide all urges to moan or touch himself, but the temptation of such suspense was driving him mad. He gave in to his impulsive desires and rolled over, half opening his eyes and gazing up at the gracefully scarred man he'd admired since childhood.  
  
"Auron," he moaned, wrapping sweaty fingers across his forehead. "Why did you bring me to Spira?" Auron remained silent and solemn, disregarding Tidus's question. Tidus cared not; he needed no answer to such an irrelevant question. He sat up and reached out for Auron's shoulders, draping his elbows graciously across their broad stretch. Heart racing, and taking the initiative he knew Auron wouldn't, Tidus drew his lips to lock with those of his lifelong attachment. He was a little surprised at the temperature variation between bodies—the steaming humidity on his lips clashed with the icy stones that were Auron's. Tidus stood, careful not to let go of the kiss they shared in that moment, and stumbled slightly as his erection pounced upward. He was aroused and wanting, wanting to give Auron everything he had to offer whether out of respect or fantasized sexuality it didn't matter. Auron kissed back, slick chilled tongue gliding over the bends in Tidus's mouth and strong hands seizing the feminine waist of the blonde boy, pulling them closer than they ever imagine they would ever possibly be. Tidus awaited, impatient and thighs clenched for Auron to take initiative in removing his clothing and after a few moments of itchy temptation, took care of it himself. Tidus let go of the kiss, tongue trailing along the thick bottom lip of Auron's and, keeping close, unclasped the buckles that held half his uniform clinging to his shoulders. Not letting go of him, Auron let his hands slide to the boy's collar, and slipped the shorts off with a mere touch. They fell thick and heavily to the floor, wet with Tidus's passionate intrigue. He leaned into Auron's arms, naked from the breast down, and caressed the dark skin of his chest as Auron's fingers found their way back down to his bare and toned ass. Taking hold of the back of his brawny neck, Tidus fell closer, whispering into Auron's ear as he gently closed his teeth around the lobe.  
  
"I'll be whoever you want me to be," Tidus assured. Auron murmured a sound, tender and a bit humored in response to Tidus's promise. Strong hands found their way to the blonde's lower back, graciously turned him around—back to Auron—and leaned him forward—stomach to bed sheets. Tidus closed his eyes, coming closer in tune to his sense of touch as he awaited what he knew would come. His fingers tightened around the folds of the blankets, his erection pressed taught between his soft stomach and the edge of the cot. He took in all other sensations easily with his sight down, the sounds of Auron declothing behind him, the lingering scent of long awaited sexuality, the still present taste of Auron's icy sweet tongue. The cool hands, big and yet still noticeably gentle, took hold of Tidus's hips and clutched firmly. Tidus held his breath, his heart pounding more steamy blood, which flowed rapidly to his loins. As the moist and slender tip of Auron's cock pressed between his buttocks, Tidus gasped hard, pushing himself into the bed and careening into wet penetration. Auron dove into him, thrusting with a rhythm that pulled him in deeper with every force. That rhythm collided with Tidus's heartbeat, rocking him into an insane improvised world of sex, but he arched just the same, moaning with each and every delectably painful shock. He felt like screaming in the twisted awareness of pain and pleasure, salty and sweet, and he almost did until the hand of Auron reached round his sun tanned thighs and found what it's be searching for. Tidus's eyes rolled into the back of his head and an uncontrolled groan of extraordinary ecstasy escaped his mouth as soft fingers held tightly onto his pulsating component, slowly moving it up and down. He gripped, sweaty palmed to the sheet, moving with Auron, orgasm quickly boiling up within him. In a desperate cry, he blacked out, erupting into Auron's palm, every muscle in his body convulsing at once—a spasm of rapture. As the scream dried and crumbled blissfully from his mouth, Auron's hands seized his hips and thrusted one last aching crane into deep inside of him.  
  
Tidus collapsed in utter exhaustion, his body loosening weakly into the bed. Auron withdrew from within Tidus's warm body, hot spangles of pearly white stretched from deep within his ass to the tip of Auron's relaxing penis. Tidus panted, searching for his vision and a normal resting heart rate. Behind him, Auron pulled the red robe back over his shoulders, keeping silent as always. It unnerved Tidus slightly, as if he were trying to get over what had just happened as quickly as possible. As Tidus rolled over, chest rising and falling with short breath and decorated in the flakes of drying cum, he moaned out.  
  
"Auron..." Replacing his glasses, Auron turned to look down at Tidus.  
  
"Get ready," he said, voice deep and dominating. "We've got a ways to go before we can rest again." 


End file.
